"Without dark, there is no light.
Without nightfall, there are no sunsets."
- Light of Chi
I was born in the Netherlands in '89, and moved to Aruba with a handful of memories, where I grew up. I never felt at home there. It was often a (inner) battle between the expectations of how I was "supposed" to be and an inner voice that said "this doesn't fit you and you're not like this".
In my teenage years I began to feel depressed and that wasn't really taken care of. It was put aside by others and myself so I could still enjoy my teenage years a bit. So it wasn't a surprise, that when 19 year old me moved to the Netherlands and started an education in social studies, a lot (and more) came to the surface. Relationships were also a trigger for my depression. So I often walked around with a confronting mirror from others, but not knowing how to deal with it.
I had a depression for a couple of years, on and off, which I experienced as being in a dark and deep tunnel. But I always saw a light burning, even if it was small and far away. It gave me hope. So I always looked for help and went to a few therapists. Each time I learned to see myself and look at myself better. Each time I got a bit closer to being myself. Each time I got a piece of my strength (back).
“It takes away many of our comforts to reveal the essentials:
Whatever you might choose to illuminate with a lantern on a dark path."
– Mari Andrew
When I was 28, space was created, literally and figuratively, for me to be myself fully and to receive love. I moved from a small studio to a bigger apartment, I met my husband and I learned about Complementary Care. The inner voice said "this does resonate with you!". I finally started to feel at home. But even though that felt good, it was also very confronting. It opened up a can of worms. So this time I didn't go to a therapist with a depression, but a bag filled with emotional blockages and old patterns that I had gotten aware of. I touched the cause, the core. And by working with my inner child and seeing who she really is, I also came in contact with who I really am; my essence:
I am standing on a clearing in the center of a forest, surrounded by green high trees. Sun is glistening through the leaves. Grass beneeth my feet and my eyes closed. A content smile on my face. From my core, my solar plexus, a light starts to burn and shine. Bigger and brighter it shines. I feel who I really am, the essential me. I feel my strength and all that is good. I feel love. I feel free. I finally feel the light from my core; the center of the name that has been given to me when I was born; my Chi.